An opportunity was presented by Charlene Jardine from Divine Grace Connections to talk about grief, assisting individuals in the process, and tools to guide others. The information session included details to equip those during such difficult times based on the numerous people reaching out to her when losing someone dear to them.

Grief is never an easy process and is experienced by many people. We lose loved ones which we have spent most of our time around leaving a feeling behind that something is missing. The perception of grief is not only related to the passing of someone.  This can include the loss of a job, news of a diagnosis (experiencing loss of life or time), and/or breakup in a relationship or divorce. These losses each have their own unique patterns and are to be addressed and understood through the different stages of grief. 

In this state of mind, one does not know where to start, unusually leaving a rush of emotions. These emotions evolve into a difficult stage, unable to focus on day-to-day tasks, family, work, and friends. The most common actions when going through grief are isolation, a constant change in routine, behavior, and negative thoughts only to name a few. The key point is to be able to identify the feelings and the stage of grief.

5 stages of grief can be felt separately and in some cases all at once. These stages are to help the person deal with the emotions and not allow them to be suppressed causing much more harm.

One of the stages that can be experienced is denial. This stage is the belief that the loss has not happened. The process can be useful by giving the individual time to absorb the news and process this to avoid the numbing feeling which in turn can become a coping mechanism.

How one would recognize this stage would be the following examples:

• The passing of someone would anticipate hearing their voice or that they will step into the room.
• During a divorce/breakup the individual grasps the idea that their partner will change their mind.
• When losing a job the thoughts would be that the employer will call them back and know they made a mistake to let them go.
• Finding out about a terminal illness brings about thoughts that results are wrong or not theirs.

The stage known as anger can be common to normal behavior and feelings we feel which in turn can be a masking effect and hiding many emotions. Experiencing anger is a result of underlying feelings such as guilt, disappointment, shame, resentment, sadness, and frustration to name a few.  One person can experience anger and move on from this stage and another can linger here causing them not to think rationally. Things said would then come out in the incorrect manner hurting others and themselves in the process.

Being in this stage one would identify it as below:

• The passing of someone brings about thoughts of how they didn't take care of themselves and/or protected themselves or performed a certain way.  
• With divorce/breakup words such as I hate him/her for hurting me or saying they will regret leaving. 
• For job loss ideas would be along the lines that they are terrible bosses and do not know how to treat employees. 
• Terminal illness report poses the questions about where God is in this situation? How did God let this happen to me?

The third stage is bargaining which is not very familiar and receives the reaction of shock and/or confusion. The person would make deals to avoid dealing with the loss usually to gain control over each situation or relief from the pain. To avoid feeling vulnerable and helpless, they would replace their emotions with actions or deeds. Statements would be used like "what if" and "if only" to shift the attention away from reality. They will try all avenues to postpone and suppress the hurt, confused and sad feeling.

Phrases said would sound like:  

• The loss of someone could repeat "If only I had called sooner", or "What if I arrived earlier" 
• Divorce/breakup phrases would sound more like "If only I had spent more time and showed him/her love, they would have stayed".
• Losing your job one would say "If only I worked weekends, they would see my value". 
• For terminal illness the thoughts can be "If only I had gone to the doctor sooner, could have stopped it".

One of the most common stages experienced during grief is depression. This is the quiet stage and many people run to isolation and stay in the dark space they feel is comforting. Individuals run away from their emotions to prevent themselves from a feeling which intensifies when hiding causing damage to their wellbeing and mental health. The feelings to identify if you are in this stage would be isolating yourself from friends and family, feeling foggy, heavy, and confused. 

Depression brings about negative thoughts and being unable to think clearly or depend on yourself:  

• The loss of someone allows the person to think what am I without them, how do I live if they are not here. 
• Divorce/breakup brings about questions like why should I live my life when I wasted all this time before. 
• Losing a job would demotivate the person in life whereby they would not know how to go forward or the next steps are.
• Terminal Illness puts the idea of life as they know it, the end and nothing left to live for.

The last stage is known as the reasoning phase called acceptance. Each person reaches the stage whereby they understand that what is lost was valuable in the time they received it. Instead of paying attention to what no longer is there, they now focus on what they do have to make the best decisions before it's gone. Acceptance becomes the change of perspective on life and realigns the thoughts to the good days that brought joy. 

The positive aspect of life makes a tremendous impact on the soul and having to focus on the statements like:  

• The passing of someone can use statements to help remind the person that they were fortunate to have had so many years with them. 
• Divorce/breakup would get to the understanding that it was a healthy choice to leave if there was no benefit in the relationship. 
• Losing a job brings forth the opportunity to explore other avenues and possibly identifying the strengths to find a way forward. 
• With terminal illness the person can shift their mindset to the opportunity of what they always wanted to do.

Here are some points to guide yourself or a close friend or family on what the warning signs could be.

• If the individual is quiet and not wanting to associate with others they are possibly isolating themselves or having frequent outbursts of anger.
•  Encourage them to speak to a friend, family member, or colleague.
• Help identify the stage/s (more than one stage can occur) they are going through to understand the steps to take and work on these first. 

• If they are unable to grasp any of the steps in dealing with the emotions and stages, always seek the help of a therapist.

The grieving process takes time and it can strip away many things. Make the choice to use the tools and the effort to apply them in helping you understand and overcome the journey.

Love Janine,

Registered Counsellor

Build to Strength